Okay so you are depressed and would like to read what other people who are depressed are thinking and going through. Somehow I’m not sure any of this is a good idea, but at the least it seems like an interesting sociological project.
I have been depressed most of my life in some cyclical sort of way. Meaning I might be mostly fine for a little while and every few weeks I would swing into a “low” point. For the most part I have lived within this sort of manic pendulum feeling really too good for a few brief moments then mostly feeling kinda blase most of the time to everything kinda sucks and I don’t really care. Because I chose to cope with this pendulum by barreling at it head on and just embrace it as part of some kind of endearing eccentricity I ended up making it through nearly 30 years of my life without even really acknowledging that maybe this wasn’t normal. But by the time the lows started becoming more frequent and more low and I realized that I had probably been making serious life decisions based on obsessive compulsive chronically depressed paranoia I’d already spent 30 years fucking up my life.
The past 10 years have pretty much been the worst and spiraling ever “lower” and out of control.
Over time, god willing as they say, I will continue to post whatever I can of what is going on with me. I have posted some stuff in the past which is what led to the creation of this “depression project” but what really started bothering me was that I was only sharing the depressed anxious paranoid terrified side of me while in out of control states of mania. Hopefully as time goes on I will post what is going on with my depression when I am of clearer mind and not merely when I am in the middle of freaking out and feeling desperate.
No reason that I can think of. Certainly I could name for you the things that are setting me off right now, but they are just details, after effects really. I was angry from the moment I woke up. Which is strange because my plan today was to cook food for my roommates and the neighbors. A southwestern green chile vegetarian chickeny seitan pot pie. It sounded really good and I really like cooking for other people, more than I like cooking for myself. Yet everything today has made me angry and as the day wears on I am on the edge of slamming shit around, breaking things, and ranting and cursing loudly to no one at all. | read on »
It is strange to live every day on the edge of tears. I don't actually cry every day, having gotten good at fighting them back to the point I fear I am only numbing myself further. But as I sit here working on this website, posting pictures of my recent "test run" trip, enjoying a vodka tonic, and otherwise appreciating the coolness of the evening I am on the edge of tears. | read on »
The pictures here really don’t convey how sad this “children’s park” is. A lonely aging tiny wooden half-assed tower with a slide sitting next to a worn down tennis court does not a children’s park make. Admittedly there is grass that could serve a variety of purposes. But kids don’t play tennis and would likely be yelled at for entering the court much less riding their bikes or drawing on it with chalk or some other fun activity. So in the midst of this suburban tract of tiny to non-existent yards and endless roads where slowing down to 25 miles[...] | read on »
REVISED 2012-01-04 The intention of this post has varied several times since I first decided to take some rough notes and put them online. Initially this post was intended to serve as a marker for anyone reading the blog to let them know when my traveling had ended and “everyday living” had started again. The reasoning for cutting this first caRV trip short however, were myriad and some part of me desperately wished to find a way to share that meaningfully in a public environment that would give others an insight into the workings of my mind and perhaps bring[...] | read on »
In many ways I often feel like a disembodied Samuel Beckett character.
As such I reuse the "I can't go on" motiff and title for this post marking the chronological beginning of yet another phase in my life and the relaunch of beingzoe.com. | read on »
As many of you are already aware I’ve been “away from the office” for several weeks. However, this week I will be returning to my desk with a sort of renewed vigor, if somewhat limited schedule. Several people have been in need of work and wrapping up older projects. I will be attending all these items this week as well as actually finally updating the Additional Image Sizes (zui) WordPress plugin and the Kitchen Sink HTML5 Base plugin (officially tagged version 0.1 and getting it posted on WordPress.org). Also over the next two weeks I am going to be more[...] | read on »
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