Depression: Pretty much given up

If you are reading this you are saying to YOURSELF that you have pretty much given up on life. Depression has kicked your ass and you don’t think you are ever going to recover.

I know how that feels. While I spend most of my time holding on hope I often spend weeks sometimes months at a time pretty much giving up. I’m not even going to try and talk you out of it because I know.

However, pretty much given up isn’t actually past tense “given up”. You haven’t killed yourself yet or anything. You probably still have a job, a family, and whatever kind of fucked up hollow existence it is you keep on keepin’ on. I’m mostly curious why? I know why I do (or at least in part). And perhaps over time that will fully be revealed (see I’ll show you mine if you show me yours).

In the meantime if you feel as though you have pretty much given up, but have bothered somehow to end up on my ridiculous little art experiment of a personal website, then maybe you are actually on the edge of holding on hope and should take a look there.

On the other hand if you are fully convinced that you have pretty much given up, we can both agree that you haven’t actually given up or you wouldn’t be bothering to read this drivel, so I would love to know why you’ve pretty much given up on life and what you are doing about it.

Eventually I will post links here, possibly anecdotes from other people suffering from this level of depression, that might be useful to you but I guess I’ll wait and see the reaction this page gets to see what kind of links would be useful. Because I am pretty much writing this while in a state of pretty much having given up it seems inappropriate for me to be posting links just yet since they would probably just be lists of painless ways to commit suicide and that seems disingenuous since I haven’t bothered to kill myself.

So in the meantime why don’t we just commiserate. Head on over to I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. I’ve already started sharing bits of my particular flavor of fuckupedness. Now it’s your turn to share. Post some comments or contact me directly. Or you can just read whatever things I have posted in the bzlog under this topic.

Posts about pretty much giving up

Things I tell the dogs

I can't RSVP for family holiday dinners.

Halloween: Open Mic

caRV 2.0: Day Five Kicked Out (plumbing and shit)

Occupy San Diego

                                                                                                       

Profoundly sad…still

It is strange to live every day on the edge of tears. I don't actually cry every day, having gotten good at fighting them back to the point I fear I am only numbing myself further. But as I sit here working on this website, posting pictures of my recent "test run" trip, enjoying a vodka tonic, and otherwise appreciating the coolness of the evening I am on the edge of tears. | read on »

Better World Tour: A first attempt: CaRV Two Weeks (and a life) in Review

REVISED 2012-01-04 The intention of this post has varied several times since I first decided to take some rough notes and put them online. Initially this post was intended to serve as a marker for anyone reading the blog to let them know when my traveling had ended and “everyday living” had started again. The reasoning for cutting this first caRV trip short however, were myriad and some part of me desperately wished to find a way to share that meaningfully in a public environment that would give others an insight into the workings of my mind and perhaps bring[...] | read on »

I can’t go on. I’ll go on. Some more.

In many ways I often feel like a disembodied Samuel Beckett character. As such I reuse the "I can't go on" motiff and title for this post marking the chronological beginning of yet another phase in my life and the relaunch of beingzoe.com. | read on »

You are contacting the wrong person

Your cowardice is my own. I can’t reach out to you either. But please don’t direct your concern towards someone who doesn’t deserve such a weight on their shoulders. You are scared. So am I. But I persevere. I shared my fear and hope. With hope. I still hold out hope. I continue to love in spite of it. Every new day. So, you know how people are When it's all gone much too far The way their minds are made Still, there's something you should know That I could not let show That fear of letting go And in[...] | read on »

Will you?

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

But I will tell the night
And Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can move the mountains for you

If you are reading this

If you are reading this it means I wanted to take my own life yesterday. These are the words I would have left. I’d prefer the memory of me was a testament to these thoughts instead of a desperate wish for someone to share these thoughts with. Would that I could find the strength to love again. Would that these and so many other thoughts were a discussion and not a final statement. I hope you will not be sad for very long. I hope your life is so big and beautiful, your thoughts open and compassionate, and your feelings[...] | read on »